One afternoon I had had enough of abusing myself. As silly
as this may sound, I looked in the mirror (cue Michael Jackson) and gave myself a good talking to! I
told myself that I needed to get a grip and quit obsessing over the things that
no one, not even my own husband, was taking record of. I needed to stop feeling
inadequate and comparing myself to others. Most importantly, with tear-filled
eyes, I told myself that whether I realize it or not, I am beautiful simply
because God made me, and who am I to insult His creation any longer. It was
shocking to hear myself talk this way. Where could this inner strength have
come from? I now know that it came from the Holy Spirit. God knew I couldn’t do
it on my own, and I’m not too proud to admit that I was weak and needed Him to
help me through this difficult and overextended season of my life. Maybe if I
had given this pep talk to myself years earlier, I could have saved myself a
lot of grief, but I can’t dwell on what could’ve been. I have to stay focused
on now, and right now, I am more confident and at peace with myself than I have
been in two decades. (God willing, it’ll stay that way.)
Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up
their wounds.” My healing started the day of my pep talk. Have I slipped up
along the way? Sure. Old habits die hard, but every day I’m getting stronger
and more aware of my thought patterns. I know what will set me off so I try my
best to avoid those thoughts and habits that I’ve grown so accustom to. As I
said earlier, I still have my issues with the scale, and I’m praying that I can
let go of that soon. It always helps to find scripture passages like Song of
Solomon 4:7 “You are all fair, my love;
there is no flaw in you.” When God formed us in the womb, I would like to
think that this is how He thought of us as his precious and beloved children. I
know that this is how I feel when I look at my own children. If God thinks I’m great
just the way I am, I need to feel this way, too. As far as I know, God has
never gotten anything wrong.
Year before last, I was going to Adoration just about every
Saturday morning. I would have my prayer time and then I would dedicate the
rest of my hour to reading scripture. I was very familiar with scripture, but
decided to read the New Testament straight through just like a regular book. It
took me a few months, but I read the New Testament from Matthew to Revelation.
I remember coming across 1 Peter 3:3-4 which says “Let not yours be the outward adorning with braiding of hair,
decoration of gold, and wearing of robes, but let it be the hidden person of
the heart with the imperishable jewel of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in
God’s sight is very precious.” I knew that verse was going to be so very significant
for me. So much so, I remember coming home and posting about it on facebook. No
one else understood my excitement at this little discovery, but I knew exactly
what God was trying to tell me. God was calling me to stop looking so much at
the surface and to dig deeper to find the true beauty that I was keeping locked
up deep inside: the type of beauty so brilliant that when someone looks at you,
no matter how you appear, they know you are filled with God’s love. I found myself
accepting that even though outer beauty would fail me, the inner beauty fueled
by God’s love and grace would never fail and it would only accentuate what’s on
the outside.
I began to feed my spirit more through prayer and reading
scripture. I could feel and see God working within me. Over time, I gained more
confidence in myself and the easier it became to let go of my self-image
issues. I wasn’t as concerned about what others may think of me. I was more
concerned with what God thought of me. With His divine intervention, I was able
to scale a very difficult mountain. I still have some work to do, but hopefully
I have endured the worst of it. Twenty years is a long time to be your own worst enemy.
Looking back, it saddens me that I spent so much time and energy focusing on
what I perceived to be wrong with myself. I could go through all kinds of
procedures to “fix” everything that I thought was wrong, but I wouldn’t be
satisfied. I know this is true because when I got my braces taken off last year,
I wasn’t content. I was still slipping every now and again and obsessing about
other things. Thankfully, I have gotten a handle on it, and I have to give
credit to my husband for being my safe place. He has been so incredibly
sensitive to my self-image issues. Not once did he tell me to get over it or as
guys so often try to do, “fix it”. He’s been an immeasurable source of strength
and encouragement, and he has continued to build me up with his support.
Anthony, I can never repay you for walking with me through this. Having your
arms available for me to cry in when I needed to or having your ears willing to
listen to me has been a huge part of my healing process. Thank you for making
me feel beautiful and helping me to realize that I am good enough just the way
I am.
So where do I go from here? Only God knows the answer to
that. I know where I’ve been and I’m in no rush to hurry back. It feels amazing
to look in the mirror and say, “Damn, girl. You look good today!” I hope that I
can keep this newfound confidence. I want to be a good example for my children,
especially my daughter. I want her to learn from my mistakes and help build her
up into a confident young lady from the inside out. I want to teach her that
true beauty is found on the inside and how important it is to nurture her mind
and heart with God’s word. I don’t want her or my boys to ever go through what
I have. I want so much more for them than that. I also want them to understand
how powerful their words are and to choose them wisely. You never know what you
might say that could cause significant damage to someone else.
Now that I have found some inner peace and have candidly
laid everything out for all of the world to see, perhaps I can forever close this
painful chapter of my life and focus on the bigger and better things that I
know God has in store for me. I feel precious in His sight. I feel like I do
matter. I feel beautiful…I am beautiful, and I am at peace. All praise, honor,
and glory to you, Lord Jesus Christ, lover of my soul and guardian of my very
existence.
“I will praise the
Lord as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have being.”
– Psalm 146:2
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